What Iโm reading this week:
What if You Just Hate to Cook Dinner?ย Virginia Heffernan, mother of two, poses the question โWhy is food such a big part of raising children?โ then proceeds to discuss the condescending language in family cookbooks, including mine.ย I have a fair amount Iโd like to say about this essay, but for now, Iโm going to do my mom proud and save it for the burn book I keep in the back of my sock drawer. I do feel the need, however, to address two things that I simply can not let pass. FIRST: The suggestion that I have ever implied, in my books or on this blog, that family dinner should fall entirely on moms. Wow. Where do I begin with this one? Maybe with theย 100+ postsย my husband has written for this blog, all of which address his day-to-day dinner-making for our daughters, from theย post-soccer-practice scramble, toย Friday-night Stromboliย to hisย Pork Raguย recipe that people bring up with me over and over again, including, last month, someone sitting next to me on a planeย who I had never met before. (People, itโs that good.)ย I guess I could also point to the โFamily Dinner Boot Campโ series I did for Motherlode, the theme of which could be summarized as: โAll in.โ From the beginning, this blog has been about a return to the kitchen that involves everyone, including the kids who may or may not remember to set the table. If you find joy in making dinner, then you should make it yourself. If you need help from others, then you should include others. If others need help from you, then you should help. If you hate cooking, then dump a can of beans on toast (Andyโs post, btw), serve with some baby carrots and call it a day. There is no one way to do this โ every family is different, every situation is different, and I try my best to recognize and respect that. SECOND: ย I believe deeply in the idea that nobody should be made to feel bad about the way he or she approaches family dinner โ or whether they can pull it off at all. I do this blog because I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy helping people whoย wantย to make it happen. If my tone here ever makes anyone feel anxious or guilty or less-than, if I ever sound condescending, then Iโm failing in what Iโm trying to accomplish, and you guys need to let me know about it. I take this kind of criticism seriously, and I rely on you to keep me honest. Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think.
The bottom line is, you can assume I agree withย Luisaย and Katie.
Onward! What else:
Abby, my almost 11-year-old, is absolutely tearing through this book right now.
100 Rules of Dinnerย Re-posting. Just cause.
Is there anything better than when Catherine Newman โthinks out loud?โ
โInside the Biggest Ever Hedge Fund Scandalโย A profile of Steven A. Cohen that reads like a John Grisham novel.
Locals: Stone Barns Center still has a few slots open in their Little Cooks and Gardenerโs Program. My girls did one of these a while ago and weโve been dining out on the buttermilk ranch dressing they learned to make there ever since.
Masterchef Junior Season 2 The DVR is already set.
Grain Bowls:ย I could eat like this every day.
How do you raise kids who areย The Opposite of Spoiled? I intend to find out.
Cooking Fast and Slow: A conversation betweenย Mark Bittman and Mario Bataliย at the 92nd St Y this Sunday.ย Tickets are still available.
Ice Cream Hacksย I canโt believe how much I love this. (Meanwhile: The ice cream sandwich cake reminded me of another classic cheat: ravioli lasagna.)
Another smart birthday party idea.
Iโm a year late on this one, but these Fashion Icon Halloween costumes for kids cracked me up. (Anna Wintour!)
OMG,ย Malala!
Lastly, I had the great pleasure of hearing Lena Dunham read from her new book Not That Kind of Girlย in Boston last week. At the end, when she and Mary Karr, who was interviewing her, took questions from the audience, someone asked, โIโm a second grade teacher and was wondering if you had any advice for inspiring girls, and for teaching them to be confident.โ I canโt remember the first part of her answer, but eventually Dunham emphasized the need for girls, and women, to have each otherโs backs, and demanded we go home and google โShine Theory.โ I did what I was told.ย Please read it if you havenโt already. Itโs a good reminder for everyone, not just second-grade girls.
I read that article and was very surprised by it. Unless your cookbook is very different from your site, I donโt find your writing style condescending at all and your recipes range from the everyday to some things with a little harder to find ingredients but I love all of it. I love your site, keep it up!!
Can I just say how much I love your blog and your books? I give them as gifts to all new parents because they have such a positive approach in encouraging families to come together for a meal. It doesnโt have to be fancy or complicated (or even always nutritionally sound) โ the act of gathering together and sharing our day binds our family together. It allows us to celebrate each otherโs successes and cheer each other on through rough patches (can I also tell you how much I loved your mashed potatoes post?).
It may be hard to get started and, youโre right, there is no one approach that will work for every family (there is no one approach that will work consistently for even a single family โ families change), but it can be done and it will pay huge dividends in the quality of a familyโs life.
i read that article at work yesterday, and from the first few sentences, i had a feeling that she might mention your blog. i found the article to be arrogant and belittling to those who really do love to cook โ that somehow having that interest makes me less of a feminist. appalling! at least heffernan acknowledges that the pork ragu recipe really is the jam at the end of the article.
I love your blog, your cookbooks, and your familyโs perspective. Sounds like someone got you all wrong. Happy Friday!
you make my day! TGIF and yes, onward!!
i find the idea of that article the exact opposite of how your blog and books are. You make the entire dinner process liberating and approachable. You are realistic and have addressed the various phases of your family. I wonder if people like that are jealous they donโt have a spouse who helps. I donโt either due to my husbandโs work schedule. But it is our reality not your fault. I work from home and for me I try to make dinner during the day. That way we just reheat it. This works for me and our family. You never told me to do that but by reading your creative solutions I thought I should try this and it works for now for us.
I love that you include reading/books in your blog. It is a huge aspect or our life. And i just read an article about one of the writers for Girls that went to the iowa writers workshop. I am going to check out your links.
The last thing I will say is i do not understand why people are so bothered by blogs. Donโt read them then. I see it all the time people being negative towards a blog writer or posting. If I come across one that does not interest me I click off of it. Pretty simple and a much more positive way to live!
Thanks!
Your blog is not at ALL condescending; you do not act like you know ALL THE THINGS; you talk about your kidsโ picky eating; you talk about the struggles with time and shopping; there is dude-cooking here. That piece was so problematic on so many levels โ there ARE very real problems with self-satisfied/undue-burden-on-moms/organic-obsessed/accessibility-income-issue-related attitudes toward healthy feeding of familiesโฆbut you are not part of the problem. It SUCKS that she lumped you in with the badness AND attributed motivations and tone to you that YOU DO NOT DISPLAY.
Parents have to feed kids. Iโm sorry that sucks for her. Iโm sorry that makes her feel panicky and guilty. There are ways to address this anxiety. That piece was not a positive one.
BTW I once got snarked at by Heffernan in a NYT piece in which everyoneโs name was used but mine. (I was โa writer for Self,โ while all the dude-writers discussed approvingly in the piece had their actual names used, presumably because PENII GIVE ONE AUTHORITY.) Fortunately, I learned all kinds of things about the sinister, lady-disempowering things I and my editors intended with a cover story about volunteerism. YAY! I like learning about myself!)
I love the way you cook (taking shortcuts on some occasions and going all in on others), the way you encourage, and how you donโt seem to take any of it too seriously. There is a lot of pressure and judgement in the parenting world these days (including how you feed your children) and your blog is refreshingly free of all of that, in my opinion. What really resonates with me is the idea of breaking bread together- whatever that looks or tastes like. So, thank you!!!
I have a lot to say on this as well, but I am frantically balancing work with family travel, and canโt be as thoughtful as Iโd like. I will respond more fully lately. But I will say this: SHAME on the NYTimes, for agreeing to print such entirely unfounded and personal criticisms. This woman clearly has some personal hang-ups around food, and thatโs fine โ we all have aspects of โgrown upโ life that are more challenging than others. For her to take what are her own problems and challenges, and blame them on others, is bad and immature enough. But for the editor of the NYTimes to then print them is really unforgiveable. Her comments about you and the other cookbook writers were not grounded in fact, were unnecessarily personal (and bitchy) in nature, and it seems to me the NYTimes is looking to stoke yet another round of Mommy Wars. The NYTimes should expect more of its contributors and itself. When that piece was submitted, it should have been rejected out of hand. More from me later, but just wanted to share. By the way, I havenโt ordered your newest book, even though I LOVE DALS. The reason I didnโt was because dinner is one of those things I actually have under control, and I didnโt think I really needed a playbook for it. However, out of sheer support for you, because I really admire your good work and professionalism, I am ordering it right now. So suck it Virginia Heffernan. Seems to me you donโt just hate to cook dinner, you also hate people who like to. Grow up.
Playbook ordered.
After reading that article, Iโm not sure the author actually read your books or your blog. I get that, for example, Jonathan Safran Foer is a little much for a some people, but sheโs lumped a very wide range of โfamily dinner enthusiastsโ into her criticism, which doesnโt do much to validate her argument. In fact, it just goes to prove your overarching theme for family dinnerโdifferent things work for different families. Sheโs entirely missed the point โ and just a glance at the blog or a flip through the cookbook would disprove so many of her claims. For example, the evidence of division of labor between you and Andy, constant reminders to lose the guilt, suggestions for how to get your kids to just eat food at all, and of course the actual section of your blog where you list ready-made, storebought dinners that make sitting down together possible without cooking a thingโฆ.
Virginia Heffernan is a grown woman who has every right to choose the โdefrostingโ life. We all need to assert our rights as adults to live life as we choose, free from the judgment of others. So, I would appreciate if Heffernan would also extend me and others the courtesy of respecting our liking to cook and not because the patriarchy said so, but because we too are grown adults who would like to make their own choices free from the judgment of others. With that said, all adult decisions are made with knowledge of the consequences and trade-offs of that decision. The health, financial, and social benefits of cooking & the family meal are well-documented. If one chooses to simply โdefrost,โ then one cannot expect all the same benefits and results because that is not how life works.
in the words of tswift, โhaters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. shake it off!โ (with 2 daughters, I assume youโve seen the videoโit may require a re-watch with some vigorous/angry dance moves)
-love, your entire loyal army of home cooks
OMG โ could the author be more bitter??!! That was a really sadโ bordering on downright meanโ take on something that should bring families together. Wow. Kind of speechlessโฆ. Thanks for following it up with all of those empowering and uplifting links!
What can I say after Mโs โso suck it Virginia Heffernanโ!! Heffernan clearly has issues about food, so why review cookbooks? And why be so snarky about it. Your books and blog could not be less condescending. Your enthusiasm and no-judge style are a regular treat. I own both cookbooks and the โMake Dinner Not Warโ bumper sticker is the only adornment on the front of my fridge. Keep the faith.
OK, we get it Virginia Heffernan, you donโt like to cook. Fine. But please donโt insult those of us who do. And guess what. You still have to feed your kids. That article was rather infuriating and extremely condescending. And Jenny, I really enjoy your blog, both when you post and when your husband posts.
Omg! So rage-y! Itโs almost as if sheโs taking this too personally. Plus, whatโs the point of slamming specific bloggers and writers? Also, typically people gravitate towards blogs and articles on topics that interest them. If she is not interested in the topic of family dinner, why is she reading books and blogs about the topic? I couldnโt even read the whole thing because I felt like she wasnโt making a point, was just criticizing people. She needs to make peace with the fact that dinner looks different in her home rather than directing her anger towards others.
I also completely agree about dinner being a team effort. I cook, my husband cleans. Would I still be as motivated to cook if I was responsible for everything? Maybe not.
I just skimmed read the article โ paying attention to where she mentioned you, and feel that those paragraphs are the embodiment of that saying โwhat people say about you, says more about them then it says about youโ (horribly botched quote)
While sometimes your approach jars with me โ you just donโt get the level of pickiness and anxiety I am dealing with (or do you?) โ rather than write you off โ I double down and say โthereโs an approach, lets add it to the inventoryโ Love your books, blog and ATTITUDE โ more than feeding me recipes you are feeding me thoughts on parenting and family.
Wow. Well I hope you get thousands of comments like this one to inform you that you are indeed a POSITIVE force in the world of families and dinners. I have given your book as gifts to friends, because I love your message of not feeling guilty while doing your best to keep your family healthy as well as staying connected to your family. Family dinners are important!! Itโs honestly the absolute best part of my weekday. And it doesnโt matter if I made the spaghetti and meatballs from scratch or if I picked up a rotisserie chicken and mashed sweet potatoes from Whole Foods on the way home or if I threw some frozen fish sticks into the toaster oven and served with some veggies and ranch dressing. (All of those happened just last week.) Weโre sitting down together, weโre eating (mostly) healthy food, and weโre talking. Thatโs what itโs all about.
I personally love the tone of your book and found nothing condescending in it at all. You sound just like me! Trying to find things that work. You put names to tactics I already used โ like โdeconstructable mealsโ. And if anything, I think your tone attempts to relieve parents of any guilt associated with their approaches to dinner.
Anyway, sorry to go on, but I found that article to be simply awful. Iโm really surprised it was in the NY Times at all. And that author obviously wouldnโt have found anything positive to say about any cookbook since she hates to cook! So whatever.
Onwards.
I read the Heffernan piece the other day(I subscribe to the N Y Times and Iโm interested in topics related to food). At the time, I felt really uncomfortable with the cruel tone of some of what she said, about you as well as others she named, and the seeming uncaring about the effects on her childrenโs health and what she is teaching them about how to take care of oneself and the people we love. BTW, thereโs no mention of any male person sharing or not sharing a parentโs obligation to feed oneโs young. One of the things That I especially love about your blog is that itโs a family that is at its center, and Andy is so obviously engaged in creating with you a vibrant family life. So, I just re-read the Heffernan essay, and also the post by Luisa and the other essay she mentions. Iโm going to let these all muddle around in my brain for awhile, as I figure out what I really think about these issues, and I may write about that later. In the meantime, I just want to emphasize again that I so enjoy your blog, and your life- affirming attitude about a very basic topic inherent in human survival through the ages: starting with the time humans lived in caves, weโve alway had to eat in order to remain alive, and hopefully thrive. In order to bring down the gazelle or rabbit or whatever game was around, we had to work together as a team. And, once we had the game, we had to share. Itโs in our DNA. Whether you like cooking or not, it would seem a good starting place to establish a pattern of working together to make happen the presence of healthy, yummy food. Sharing it encourages our other human trait: talking, story- telling, creating a nurturing circle of love.
Everyone has to eat and someone has to prepare that food. Sharing the food thatโs prepared is an incredible way for humans to relate to each other. Many of us find joy in that process. As one of those people trying to build that love in my daughter, I really appreciate this blog as an inspiration and a resource โ even though my cooking style differs totally from yours. Keep up the good work and donโt let a hater get you down.
Liz K said it all. Carry on, Jenny!
Oh! And while I had to comment after that first article, I went on to read several of the others. Great and inspiring picks this week! Love!
1. Haters gonna hate.
2. This is a superfantastic round-up.
3. Malala, right? Yay!!!!! That news made my life.
I could not disagree more with that article! I have never, ever found you to be condescending or anything other than encouraging. Please continue to do as you doโ we need you!