The Mikey Pollan
Ideal meal: Heritage chicken stir-fry with kohlrabi, heirloom bell peppers, and buckwheat soba noodles.
Overheard at family table: โMom, this kale is a little more delicate than Iโm used to โย are you sure it isnโt Tuscan? Did you massage it?โ
Overheard at playdate with less food-aware friend: โNo, thanks. My mom says real Parmesan doesnโt come in green cans.โ
Lifeโs ambition: The purposeful beard.
In 10 years, will be: A junior at Oberlin.
The Refusenik
Ideal meal: Whatever youโre not serving.
Calling card: The untouched plate.
Defining characteristics: Second child. Dearth of pity.
Admission, made in a rare moment of weakness: Seriously, other than this whole โfood thing,โ Iโm a total puppy dog.
Means of survival: Snacks. The refusenik is relentlessly hungry, except when itโs time to actually, you know, eat.
The Negotiator
Ideal Meal: Double Stuffed Oreos, the promise of which is the only reason he eats anything else.
Overheard at lunchtime: โWhatโll you give me if I eat this?โ
Overheard at bedtime: โI thought you said there was no story tonight.โ
The Pint-Sized Paggro
Ideal meal: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but only after having refused the breaded chicken cutlets she asked you to make, followed by the bowl of pasta she then told you sheโd rather have instead, but only after youโd rinsed off the cheese she asked you to put on it.
Modus operandi: I am open to life and all its possibilitiesโฆif you really insist.
Official motto: โWelp, I changed my mind.โ
Despondent dad to despondent mom, after Pint-Sized Paggro has finally surrendered to sleep: โI donโt get it. He ate everything as a baby.โ
What despondent dad does not realize: The battle has already been lost.
The Starch King of Starchy McCarbLand
Ideal meal: Bowl of rigatoni with butter, garlic salt, and some melted, mild, extremely white cheese; a slab of white bread; a side of mashed potatoes; a non-alcoholic hefeweizen (no lemon).
At night, dreams of: Baby unicorns, soccer field heroics, and the lusty crunch of a good, artisanal sourdough.
In twenty years, will be: Bestselling author of The White Diet or a clog-wearing assistant brewmaster at The Hoppy Tippler in Madison, Wisconsin.
The Green-O-Phobe
Ideal meal: English muffin pizza made with ketchup. (Real pizza, for some reason, has oregano.)
Core belief: That life can be controlled.
In ten years, will be: That kid who shows up at college, picks the parsley off his chicken cordon bleu, and pretends to suppress a gag reflex every time he sees you eat a spear of asparagus.
In twenty years, will be: Begging his own picky children to please, for God sakes, have one bite of broccoli while never owning up to the fact that he never touched the stuff until he was 27 years old.
The Lโil Gourmand
Ideal meal: Nobuโs miso-glazed black cod in the summer; Marcella Hazanโs Ragu in the winter.
Overheard in bed, at story time: โDad, that pumpkin risotto was amazing. Was there sage in that?โ
Defining beliefs: That iodized salt is not salt at all; that chocolate should always be at least 68% cacao; and that honey mustard is well and good, if youโre the kind of person โ no offense โ for whom โwell and goodโ is enough.
Party trick: Telling nonplussed friends of her parents the difference between a bernaise and a hollandaise.
Favorite after-school activity: Listening to podcast of The Splendid Table while snacking on marcona almonds
In ten years, will be: Majoring in feminist food theory at Brown.
The Compartmentalizer
Modus operandi: Will not even sit down at the table if the potatoes are touching the broccoli.
Last question before bed: โDad, is the DustBuster charging?โ
Thing that keeps him up at night: Sauce.
The Chronic Pleaser
Ideal Meal: Spinach with liverwurst and a side of mushy brussels sprouts.
Defining Characteristics: First child. Perpetual milk mustache.
How to spot her in school: Raising hand politely, recycling her tissues, resisting urge to laugh at Tommy, the kind of charming, roguish troublemakerย who she convinces herself she doesnโt like.
Favorite expression: โMommy, watch!โ
In ten years, will be: Still calling home four times a week to check in, even though she was just home โ for the fifth time this semester โ last weekend. (College is only twenty minutes away; she got into Pomona, but thought sheโd be way too homesick to go.)
The Ketchup Junkie
Ideal meal: French fries with ketchup, chicken with ketchup, flounder with ketchup, pasta with ketchup, steak with ketchup, ketchup with ketchup. Ketchup.
Last thought before bed: Ketchup!
First thought upon waking: โOnly four more hours till ketchup.โ
Overheard at TumbleBugs party: โCome on, itโs ketchup time somewhere in the world.โ
In twenty years, will be: A normal, healthy eater. Just like the rest of these characters.
Art byย Jessica Zadnik, who also provided the illustrations forย Time for Dinner.
This is awesome โ I cannot stop smiling!!
fabulous. especially since I have a second child that is at least three of the above. all at once. itโs a joy.
This. Here. Site. How have I missed it all this time??
Love every bit, but (of course) this post, especially. Iโve got one whoโs a modified hybrid of all three. A restricted non-touching white foods diet, I call it. And I love him dearly.
Now, to poke through the archivesโฆ
This is hysterical! Love your blog!
This is THE BEST. But the line that made me guffaw out loud was โThing that keeps him up at night: Sauce.โ Me too, kid.
I know this post is a year old, but it is hilarious! I agree with an earlier commentโthis should be made into an art poster, including the wonderful water color illustrations.
As a kid, I was even pickier than all of these archetypes, believe it or not. And yet my mom still loved me (I was the third kid, thank god), and now Iโll try pretty much anything.
Thereโs hope, parents! Iโm living proof!
I shamelessly stole the starchy king phrase as the name of my pasta board on pinterestโฆlet me know if its copyrighted ๐
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Good luck for the next!
We have one more in our family; the youngest of a bunch. The Garbage Disposal. Ideal meal โ donโt bother heating that up. Last thought before bed โ are you finished with that? First thought in the morning โ hmmmโฆ What was left under the table last night? Job in 20 years? CEO of a major cooperation.
So ridiculous. Iโm glad I actually recognize enough of these references to get the humor ๐