..
- Please?
- Try holding your nose.
- See how the fish is pink? Princesses love pink. Salmon is what princesses eat! Itโs princess food! Yay princesses!!!
- If you donโt eat this, I will take the dog for a walk and never come home.
- You know how sometimes a needle is so sharp you donโt even feel it? Thatโs what this chili is like. Itโs so spicy that you wonโt even taste anything.
- Try the swordfish. Itโs like white salmon.
- Try the cauliflower. Itโs like white broccoli.
- Try the tofu. Itโs like white-ish chicken.
- Try eating. Itโs how you survive.
- I went through full labor and then had a C-section in order to bring you into this world. I almost died for you. You owe me.
- If you donโt eat it, then I will. And then Iโll hate myself.
- Donโt you love Daddy?
- Let me ask you one question: Why must you torment me so?
- Itโs lemon sole!!! Isnโt that a fun name? Sole is a fish. You like fish, donโt you? Donโt you love salmon? Well, salmon is also a fish! Sole is like salmonโs cousin, in that they both swim in the ocean. They swim around and are cute. Itโs really good. Itโs even better than salmon! You like fish. Youโll love this. Iย promise. Just think of it as salmon. Or, okay, chicken. It tastes a little like chicken, too. Oh come on, you love chicken. This is breaded and fried, just like the chicken we make. Itโs like that, but even better. Think of it as chicken and salmon mixed together, and you love both of those things, right? Donโt you? You donโt?
- Pretty please?
- If you donโt try this, Santa wonโt come.
- The doctor said you need to eat this.
- Thereโs no more ketchup. Heinz stopped making ketchup last week. It was in all the newspapers. A newspaper is something you read.
- Donโt eat? ย No treat.
- Letโs think about this logically for a minute, okay?
- One bite one bite one bite one bite one bite one bite one bite one bite.
- Remember the Mac and Cheese youย lovedย at that restaurant in Charleston? This is the exact same recipe, from that restaurantโs cookbook, written by the exact same chef who made it for you then. And now Iโm taking his exact instructions and recreating the exact same meal for you right here at your table in New York. How cool is that??
- How do you know you wonโt like it if youโve never tried it? And yeah, I just said that.
- If you try this, weโll talk about getting you that Polly Pocket Cruise Ship Set that will sit on our living room floor like a hideous speed bump for the next five years until I throw it away one day when youโre not looking.
- Letโs play a game: Pretend your life depended on finishing this.
- Quick! Look over there!
- Do you enjoy this? Is that why you do this?
- You like watching your mother cry? Is that it?
- Your sister finished hers.
- You think Tony Stark leaves any kale on his plate?
- You liked it yesterday!?
- You liked it when Aunt Lynn made it for you.
- Your little chicken is lonely and sad and will only be happy when heโs reunited with his potato friends in your stomach.
- Man cannot survive on pasta alone.
- What do you think tomato sauce is made out of?
- Donโt you want to live for a long time?
- Donโt you want to outlive your parents?
- Do you want the dog to get fat? Because she should not be eating this much hamburger meat every night.
- Iโm counting to three.
- I mean five.
- I mean ten.
- I loved this meal when I was a kid.
- I hated this meal when I was a kid.
- Donโt look at it, just eat it.
Photos of Phoebe (!) by Ronnie Andren, circa 2002.
ย
Boy, does this make me feel better. Better in a โmisery loves companyโ kinda way. Even if ours miseries are years apart. I am new to your blog and, seeing it as a newly discovered treasure trove of easy weeknight magic, I dove in head! first! I mean, it was a bender!! So many options! Her kids eat everything! (I know: your specifically warned against this exact behavior in your โNew Here?โ section, and I clearly paid that as much mind as the โPlease drink responsiblyโ labels I must have seen (?) in my twenties.) Anyhow, I emerged, head pounding, hungover from a dreadful case of Internet-Comparison Syndrome. Her kids eat everything. I donโt even want to recount the simmering rage my son experienced that next morning when he rejected the mango smoothie (Of his own request! That we specifically sourced the mangoes for with a special trip to the store! A thoroughly pre-meditated smoothie that now sits in the fridge, rejected on account of the fact that โthere are pieces in itโ.) There was a hastily, loudly, pronounced new rule of the kitchen: You get what you get, or you get it yourself! (I know. It got ugly. All hangovers carry a tinge of shame.) As the hangover wore off, I recalibrated. This post helped a lot. Iโll never pull off that dictator-like pronouncement, but I just may wrest back control a bit of what gets cooked and presented and, hopefully, one day, tried. And, maybe if the stars align, even enjoyed.
I found this, and I feel seen. I have a three year old that only eats plain rice, bread (no crusts) and pasta (as long as I donโt put any red sauce on it, pesto is ok). Smoked salmon gets consumed in small amounts, but salmon in other forms do not. Please tell me it gets better!